Numb: Pour me another one.

I've been drinking a lot more than usual these days, my friends, and my parents think I have a problem. I know I do. I find it comforting to be numb once in a while, or all the time. I have a hard time leaving the past behind, I feel as though I'd be abandoning everything I know. I suppose that wouldn't be a bad thing, but I'm scared that I'll repeat the same things again. I dislike who I'm becoming, and what I've been feeling. I hide beneath so many layers, I play pretend constantly. I tell myself that soon things will work out, and that soon I'll feel better... Doubt clouds my mind constantly. This whole year has been really hard on me, plus the previous year was rather destructive. I feel like people, especially my parents like to throw my past into my face, it stings worse each time. I think the worse part of all is that I have no desire to change, the path to destruction is lined in bottles. I'll follow until I can go no further. Hopefully somewhere between now, and then I'll find peace in all that drags me below the surface. I'd love to stand tall, inhale, and know that everythign is alright. I want to feel alright.

Love, and other disappointments.

I find myself falling a little deeper into the hole everytime I re-open myself to love, or at least atempting to. Everything is so fast paced these days. I miss relationships where its just spending time with a person and getting to know them, gradually moving into the holding hand stage, then its a kiss on the cheek, and things keep progressing. These days its a wink, a smile, and a screw. I want to go back to my undiluted fantasies of how I wanted love to be. I used to be innocent, and curious, but now I put up walls so high that I cant even get over them. Love can really mess a person up. Perhaps at some point soon I can find some one, for now I'm going to focus on looking and feeling better about myself. :)

The return of JohnnyQueer.

Time has been elapsing at an incredibly fast pace. It's quite easy to lose track of everything, at least for me. The past few months have been incredible, yet disappointing. I moved home as planned, I'm still getting adjusted. Living with my parents, and brothers is driving me insane, I'm not there often enough to really complain though. While being home I've mended some old friendships, as well as lost, and lost, and lost. I suppose its to be expected, people change, as do I. I'm trying to find a job, and its not as easy as it used to be.

Change and I never really got along, although as I grow older I find it more frequent. I find each day to be a little less interesting. I find myself constantly disgusted by whats surrounding me, maybe thats normal? I don't think so. Nothing that enters, or leaves my mind is normal. I see the world in shades of gray, and black, and off-white. Maybe I'm just colorblind? I don't think so. Perhaps I just need something more substantial, a project, or something to make me feel more involved. I feel like I'm sitting on the bench, watching the world crumble away into tomorrow; Uninvited.

On to some fun stuff, tonight I'm going to a club with a few friends. Vodka and music is all really one needs, plus boys... Boys, boys, boys. I'm going to attempt a new tactic tonight, I'm not going to wear any makeup! I'll make up for my lack of make up on Saturday, at a Christmas party that I am very excited for!

I am going to start posting a lot more frequently now that I remember my password :)

Have a fantastic thursday!
xxJohnnyQueer.